S-M-B-S
by Ellen1804
Summary: (Sugar-Mayonnaise-Bazooka-Sukonbu) Vacations are less fun when you don't have what you like to eat.
1. Chapter 1

Note to all you people out there who got to this fanfiction because of my previous fanfiction for Gintama- this is the short one/two/threeshot I promised to write once in a while... Although I am doing this in my free time, I hope this would get to a moderately long length. Thank you!

Review, Favorite, Follow, whatever, just read!

*The sand monster is a fictional monster that goes around and touches people's eyes while they're asleep and that's the childhood reason why you wake up with crusty eyes.

* * *

The sun glared down at the beach as if in rage. The sea sparkled so much it hurt. The palm tree swayed. The sky was blue and there wasn't a cloud in sight.

Four figures were face-down in the sand.

The first one to get up was a white-haired man wearing only blue boxers printed with strawberries. He dusted sand off his face and spat out his dango stick out of his mouth. He shook his hair. Sand dusted his partner, who shifted.

The partner got up next. He took out the squashed, sand-covered cigarette from his mouth and tucked it into his pocket. He, too, brushed off his face and reached inside his pocket to pull out... An empty mayonnaise bottle. Blocks of sand toppled of his black hair. He shook the young man next to him.

"Oi, Sougo, get up." The young man got up slowly and pulled off his red sleeping mask, sand falling off of it in chunks. He shook his head. The sand fell off his hair to reveal... More sandy-brown hair. As he placed his hand down next to him, he touched the bare leg of a girl.

That young girl with red hair sleepily groped around until she grabbed the hand of the guy touching her leg through her thigh-showing dress and tossed him over her shoulder. She sat up and blinked wearily, shaking her head like a dog until more of her red hair showed. She rubbed her eyes.

"Oi, Gin-san, this is weird. We all wake up with sand in our eyes but not this much sand. Do you think the sand monster* has a grudge against me?"

Gintoki ignored her and instead looked around. "How did we get here? Why are we stuck on a damn island again? Is there going to be another old lady trying to make everyone old again? Where's the turtle and his scouter?"

Hijikata stood up and waved to Okita, who was fifty meters away and creating a red puddle around a rock. "I don't know how you guys got here, but all I remember is..."

Kagura came to attention. "Gintoki finally got a paycheck and it was summer so we decided to go on a cruise, while Shinpachi and Boss Lady went to visit someone, I forgot who."

Gintoki stood up and brushed off his sleeve. "There was a big storm... And we were all out deck, quarreling because we met you two on the same cruise..."

Hijikata searched his pockets for anything useful. He looked at Gintoki through his bangs. "And then there was a big wave..."

"Fuck."

"Yeah."

"What are we supposed to eat? I can't live without sugar and parfaits!"

"Gin-san, I see coconuts on top of the tree! They should be sweet!"

Kagura got up and kicked a nearby tree. Two coconuts dropped down like stones, each smashing into a head. Gintoki and Hijikata felt blood spurt out of their noses. They each reached up and grabbed their respective coconuts. Behind them, Kagura launched half a dozen at Okita.

Hijikata dug out his katana from the sand and sliced his coconut in half. He handed one half to Gintoki and they sipped the juice simultaneously.

And spat it out simultaneously. "Gah, sour!" Hijikata wiped his mouth.

Gintoki looked down at his coconut half. "This isn't natural coconuts. Islands near Edo don't have coconuts. It was probably synthesized to this temperament and planted here."

He took a look at where Kagura was ran about with a giant palm leaf over her head, picking up seashells and chucking rocks at Okita. "What would I do for a cup of sugar?"

Hijikata smirked. "Says you. I would do anything for a bottle of mayonnaise or a packet of dry cigarettes. Mine are all soggy. The nicotine was ruined the moment after I got these wet. They're salty, too. Damn."

Kagura was running around with a leaf in her mouth, sucking on it for a minute, and then spitting it out when it got bitter. "Blegh. I wish I had a packet of sukonbu. These leaves are too... Tastes too much like dirt."

Okita stood up from the sand fortress he had been building (to hold off all the rocks Kagura was throwing) and motioned to a hole he had made in the sand fortress' side.

He was too far away for them to hear what he was saying, but they got his meaning.

Gintoki put a hand over his eyes. "I think your subordinate would also do pretty much anything for a bazooka right now."

"Or a bomb, maybe two."

"No, see that motion he's making? I think he wants a condom."

"What the hell did you deduct from that motion? What I see is, unlike your perverted mindset and your perverted deduction, is that the motion definitely means he needs a pair of bras."

Kagura appeared behind them and slammed their heads together. "... I, of course, unlike all you perverted old men, know what Okita is motioning. See his feet? He's tapping the Morse code for..."

She let go of Gintoki and Hijikata's collars, letting them fall. "Oi, Sadist, don't worry, I think you can use the dry brown leaves nearby for toilet paper! Constipation isn't good for a pretty face, boy!"

The look on Okita's face as he turned to the heavens and for the first time asked God a question was one of resignation.

_Why the fuck am I stuck on this island with all these goddamn idiots?!_

A shadow passed over his head. He turned around, where the three 'goddamn idiots' were running towards him, his meaning finally understood, and what he was pointing at finally understood (not his dick, not his man-boobs, the darkening sky, goddammit.)

Thick clouds billowed overhead. Black streaks and white lightning spread across the previously cloudless, pure blue sky. The wind picked up with fervor. Thunder echoed. The rain began to pummel the earth.

Kagura was running towards him, pointing to behind him, shouting something.

"Watch out, Sadist!"

After that, Okita remembered only seven things.

Turning around, sand fortress swept away by the ferocious waves.

Kagura five feet away now, hand reaching out to pull him back away from the tempest behind him, their rivalry forgotten.

Hijikata and Gintoki in the backround, waving frantically from a cave.

Kagura grabbing his hand and pulling as hard as she could.

Rain making his hand slick, her hand sliding from his, Kagura turning around in horror,_ the clumsy brat_.

The waves swallowing him from behind him, black waves all around him, lightning flashing all around.

... A blinding white flash...

And...

And the...

And the determined face of Kagura as she jumped into death with him.


	2. Chapter 2

Okita woke up to the face of Sakata Gintoki. It was not a pretty sight; Gintoki was picking his nose.

Okita stretched his neck and tilted his head and stared into the face of Toshirou Hijikata. It was also not a pretty sight because Hijikata looked like death.

Okita turned his head the other way. Finally, the face he was looking for.

He pulled on the cheek of Kagura's sleeping face. "Oi, you stupid brat, who are you to try and rescue me when you don't even know how to swim without a floating device yet?"

Kagura murmured curses and pushed his hand away. Okita got up from his pile of leaves. Sunlight was sparkling outside. Dewdrops hung heavy on the leaves. "What happened?" He said. He wasn't looking at Gintoki.

"Kagura grabbed to you and wouldn't let go. Screamed like hell to let us know where you guys were. Hijikata jumped into the water. Saved your sorry butts. Came back, threw up mayonnaise on me. End of story."

Okita grabbed a sharp stone that was digging into his back while he was sleeping and punctured a coconut. He drank the entire fruit dry without blinking or flinching from its unsweetened taste.

Behind him, Hijikata shifted. He blearily opened his eyes. "I feel like crap."

"You are crap."

"That is no way to speak to your savior."

"Fine. You're lower than crap."

"..."

"Much, much lower."

"I should have expected this."

"But..."

Okita nodded his head towards Hijikata and tossed him a coconut. "You the lower-than-crap is in possession of my gratitude."

The coconut splattered all over Hijikata's face.

"Oops."

"Sougo, you bastard."

* * *

Kagura picked up rocks and broken foliage like they weighed no more than a feather. Okita collected leaves, grass, dry wood, and anything edible in lightning speed.

Hijikata tallied up everything they had and tried to make a smoke signal pallet by sewing wet grasses together.

Gintoki fished, or rather, sat there and held a line with a hook into the sea.

Kagura tossed a rock at him and watched as he toppled into the sea, red blood mixing with the salty water. "The lazy bum." She said, dusting off her hands.

Okita stacked up a mountain of fruit. "Lunch, China."

Hijikata nodded. Kagura climbed up the cave that Gintoki had found. "Got it, Sadist-o."

After realizing that now was not the time to fool around, Kagura and Okita reached an uneasy truce. But Kagura still made Okita take a bite of every piece of fruit she got to make sure it wasn't poisoned, before she ate the rest.

When Kagura had stuffed herself full on bananas, she went out again to see the rest of the island. Gintoki climbed up from the shore, waving to Hijikata.

As he came closer, Okita and Hijikata stared into his hair and forgot to chew their oranges.

Gintoki blinked. "What? Close your mouths while you chew, goddammit."

Tiny baby crabs hung from his perm, their pincers snapped tight around tufts of his hair.

One tiny crab yanked its piece of hair, and that triggered all of its siblings to do the same.

"Ga-aaah!"

* * *

Hijikata and Kagura crouched on the shore, watching as Gintoki pulled crabs out of his hair, cursing.

"They must have mistaken that white perm for some coral reef." Kagura said as she chewed on a piece of grass.

"Or a bunch of scraggly seaweed." Hijikata said.

"I would do anything for seaweed. This grass tastes like crap."

"Why does everyone mention crap around me?"

"You are related to crap. Crap appears wherever you're around."

"Hey, every human takes a dump, not just me! Everyone related to crap one way or another."

"You especially."

"Is this what Gintoki teaches you at the Yorozuya? How to piss people off in an amazingly short amount of time?"

"No, I just follow his example."

"Don't. If he keeps on going like that someone will kill him one day."

"No, they won't, 'cause I'd be there, watching his back and putting crabs in his hair."

"Why would you be putting crabs in his hair?!" Hijikata said, looking at Kagura.

But she wasn't looking at him. She was looking over his shoulder, her mouth open.

"What?" He asked, turning around. He, too, froze and stared at Gintoki, who had climbed back out of the water.

Gintoki glared at them crossly. "My head feels all heavy. My hair is very delicate, you know. It sucks in all the water and now I feel as if the biggest crab in all of the world in sitting on my head."

"Mama Mia." Hijikata whispered.

Kagura grinned and slowly got up from her crouch, stretching her shoulders and cracking her knuckles evilly. "Gin-san, don't you move now."

"Eh?"

Kagura lifted the giant rock that she had been sitting on. Behind her, Okita dropped his bunch leaves and walked over, unsheathing Hijikata's katana, the metal glinting a cold silver. He also grinned sadistically.

"I said, Yorozuya Boss-san, don't you move now."

* * *

Wet clothes hung from the trees, dripping. Kagura wore only Hijikata's shirt which was long-sleeved but only reached her thighs, but she didn't seem to feel the cold at all.

Gintoki, on the other hand, wore his boxers and Hijikata's jacket but was sitting near the campfire, shivering. Hijikata and Okita were wearing only their pants. Kagura danced around the fire, upon which a giant crab was staked through and was being rotated by Hijikata.

Gintoki looked to his left. Hijikata was throwing dry leaves and pieces of wood into the fire.

"How exactly did we catch this thing?"

"You don't remember?"

"Well, after Kagura and Okita ran screaming into the ocean after the escaping crab, and losing half my scalp, I think my memory is a bit blurry."

"They went in for a dive, caught it as they jumped in and got their clothes soaked. Kagura smashed the rock into the crab. Okita cut off a couple of legs. Kagura flipped it on its back and Okita stuck the katana through it, and brought it back like a trophy."

Hijikata flipped the crab again. "I can't believe it got so big."

Kagura stopped trying to crush Okita in a headlock. "It doesn't matter! I always wanted a giant crab roast!"

Okita separated her hands from under his neck. "I've never seen you this excited before."

Kagura squeezed him harder.

"Hey, why are you huggin' me?"

"If I don't, I'll run over and destroy the crab..."

"Go ahead."

"But... I want to eat it right. I want to eat just when it's perfectly toasted."

"So what am I, a pillow?"

* * *

The four of them sat around the campfire in a loose circle and watched the crab. Hijikata flipped it one last time. "Yeah, I think it's done."

Kagura fidgeted.

Sougo held up the katana and slowly sliced into the flesh.

Kagura watched in fascination.

Sougo cut equal parts until he reached the pincers. Then, he paused.

Kagura's eyebrows furrowed. "Why did you stop?"

Sougo shrugged. But he didn't move. He snickered at Kagura's wide-eyed, impatient look.

"Sadist, if you don't start dishing it out I'll take that katana and slice off your goddamned head- in fact, I'll skewer the damn thing and fry what's left of your brain!"


	3. Chapter 3

Readers! This fanfiction will be more romantic than all my previous ones, so if all you're here for is the Gintama comedy... Well, there are some bits...

And another note: I'm not particularly good at romance. I suck at romance. If you want me pointing out all my faults, my profile page has been updated!

I'm mixing my mediocre/strong point (funny shit) with what I want to write (romance) and let's see how it turns out.

And it would be great if you tell me which genre you'd like me writing more.

* * *

Kagura woke up as the sunlight filtered through the cave. It burned her skin. She got up from her previous spot between Hijikata and Gintoki (Hijikata being on nearest to the entrance) and crawled more into the cool shadows of of the cave.

She crawled behind Okita and promptly fell asleep, back to back with him. Okita woke just as he smelled the slightest hint of Hijikata. He sniffed the air, lifting his head. He turned around.

Kagura snored softly, Hijikata's shirt thin and nearly see-through against her back. Her white skin nearly glowed in the sunlight.

Okita's eyebrows shifted upwards. "She did this on purpose. If you wanted my jacket you could've just asked for it... I might have given it to you after you begged for a bit."

He tossed his jacket over her. He sat up and looked towards the trees. Towards the entrance, Gintoki slept with his arm around Hijikata's waist. "What the hell are they doing...?"

* * *

Gintoki bit off the top of a mango. "I thought I was hugging Kagura, okay?"

Hijikata shivered. "T-that was horrible."

"What, my hugging? You seemed to like it when you were asleep."

"N-no, the part where I saw your face as I woke up... I thought my heart was going to stop."

"How so?" Kagura mumbled sleepily through a banana. "Good way or bad way?"

"I never knew you were homosexual, vice-captain," Okita said.

"I am not!"

"Why're you so loud? My ears are ringing." Kagura complained.

Okita turned to her, looking over her outfit. "You're still wearing Hijikata's shirt." Kagura tossed her banana peel to her mountain of banana peels. "So?"

"Go wear your dress."

"It's not dry yet."

"My shirt is, you can wear that."

"You wear that. This shirt is bigger. I like it more."

"..."

Hijikata, meanwhile, was in the corner muttering to himself. "It's the lack of mayonnaise. I'm not thinking straight."

Gintoki polished off his small mango. He sucked on the pit. "Oi, Gin-san, are you homosexual?"

Gintoki nearly swallowed the pit. As he choked on it, Okita and Kagura watched. "I think that's a yes." Gintoki fell off his rock and lay choking on the floor. "It's definitely a yes."

Hijikata leaped up. "You fools! He's choking!" Okita and Kagura jumped over and crouched down next to him. "God, he really is."

"So it's a no?"

"Yes, I guess-"

"Hey, focus on the important thing here!" Hijikata smashed Okita and Kagura's heads together. "Alright," Okita said, rubbing his head. Kagura looked over Gintoki. "We gotta get the pit out. Up or down. Blow down his throat or suck up the pit."

Okita and Hijikata blinked.

Short pause as the sunlight flickered down.

Then, Okita opened his mouth.

"Yep, he's dead. No way to save him now."

"Too far gone."

Kagura bashed Okita and Hijikata's heads together and tossed them over her shoulder. Then she grabbed Gintoki's shoulders and slapped his face.

"Gintoki, stop moving!"

Gintoki paused. He breathed shallowly though his nose. A tiny lump in his neck showed where the pit was. Kagura shook her head and rolled up her sleeves. Okita and Hijikata both sat up and blinked again. "Oi- You aren't gonna..."

Kagura leaned in closer to Gintoki, stopped when her nose brushed against his, and...

Smashed her fist into Gintoki's neck, right where the pit was.

* * *

Hijikata sat next to Gintoki. "So, how are you feeling, perm-head?"

"Like a yato punched me in the throat."

"Helluva subordinate you got there."

"... If she keeps doing this I might not live for very long."

"I promise I'll be at your funeral playing songs."

"... Like?"

"How about... 'It was a Good Day to Die?'"

"Get out of my funeral."

* * *

Kagura leaned back to the trunk of the tree. She was thirty feet off the floor, but even if she fell it wouldn't be something she couldn't handle.

She rubbed a tiny red bruise on her middle finger knuckle.

Okita jumped down from the branch five feet above her, landing on her branch and shaking it up and down. Leaves fluttered to the ground.

She leaped back, back into the shade. "What the hell are you were trying to do? Kill me? Try your boss first, goddammit!"

Okita held out a bunch of leaves. "These are from Toshi. Said you're supposed to rub the juice on your bruise."

"That's poison, isn't it?"

"..."

Kagura grabbed the leaves. She crushed them and let the juice run over her bruise. "How does mayonnaise head know all this?"

"We used to live out in the suburban."

"Oh. You used to this, country-boy?"

"Used to what?"

"Living out here without civilization, bugs in your hair, smelling like shit all the time... Oh, actually, that's just how you are wherever you are. Never mind."

"No, we just stayed in the dojo most of the time. It was Kondou who ran around with bugs and smelled like shit all the time."

"He must have rubbed off on you."

* * *

Gintoki watched as Hijikata peeled a banana. "I would do anything for sugar."

"The fruits are sweet as hell. You can live. Me? I don't think I wouldn't do anything for something sour and salty, or a cigarette."

"You've been through it before, right? When the Shinsengumi banned nicotine? I've always had a steady sugar intake, and now it's dropping off."

"Steady sugar intake? You sucked it in like air! I can't count the number of times I watched you devour a parfait!"

"Sucked it in like air? That's _you_, you dog of Bakufu! Your stupidity must have messed up your brain, or the mayonnaise has! I've seen you breathing in mayo fumes, goddammit!"

"Oi, when? T-that was private!" ( SPOILER *It was when Gintoki turned into a cat and was looking for food)

"Whatever. Besides, the fruits here don't have cream, chocolate, and real sugar in them, now, do they?"

"If you keep eating all of those the sugar will mix with your urine and your testicles will explode."

"That's what my doctor said!"

* * *

Kagura held up a big seashell. "Oi, Shinpachi-"

Okita looked up, annoyed. "Really?"

Kagura set the seashell back down in the sand. "Oh, right. Sorry."

She shuffled around in the sand for a while. Then, she grabbed a especially colorful shell and leaped up, spraying sand everywhere. "Oi, Otae-san-"

Okita brushed sand off of his hair and shoulders. "Really? Now you've mistaken me for a girl. What's next? Shall I be Sadaharu next?"

Kagura put the shells back and sat down on the hot sand. The sunset turned the sea red. "Sorry. I keep on forgetting they're not here. Usually Shinpachi would be playing the straight man while Otae-san and I run around breaking seashells."

Okita snorted, then crouched and doodled in the sand with a stick. "Man, you guys are stupid. What were you kids looking for by breaking seashells?"

"To open the gates of Hell, of course."

Okita paused his doodling. He looked over.

Kagura continued to stare at the sunset. Then she noticed him looking at her. "What?"

He turned away, sat down, and then lifted his eyebrows. "Oh, well. There isn't much else to do... So..."

Kagura tossed a stone up into the air, waiting for him to continue.

"If we find the key, would Hell be willing to accept, say, a vice-captain as a friendly sacrifice?"


	4. Chapter 4

Hijikata watched as Okita and Kagura ran around the sand dunes, hollering like maniacs. Kagura was dragging a big stick around, making patterns and a long lines.

Hijikata had a feeling he knew what they were drawing when Okita began to shake some big seashells around and murmur curses.

He looked up at Gintoki, who was sitting on a branch high up in a palm tree. "Oi. What are they doing?"

Gintoki squinted at them, the sunset gone and past. The only light came from the moon and the stars. "Well, Kagura is drawing some sort of sign..."

"Is it a six-pointed star in a circle?"

"Yeah, you're right."

Hijikata sighed. "Is Sougo writing my name in the middle of it?"

Gintoki shook his head. "No. He's writing 'mayo-freak.'"

Hijikata twitched.

He got up and ran towards the two kids. "Oi! Now that's just crossing a line, goddammit! I'm going to kill the lot of you-" He got the middle and began to kick at the sand, erasing the characters.

Sougo nodded to Kagura and held up a torch. "See, I told you he would get into the middle of the trap if we just wrote him an invitation in the middle of it."

Hijikata's eyes narrowed... "Trap?"

Okita held up a bazooka and fired.

"Sayonaraaa, vice-captain!"

* * *

Gintoki sat in the back of the cave, his head laying on a folded jacket.

Sougo sat in the left side of the cave, polishing his bazooka.

Kagura sat at the mouth of the cave, counting stars sleepily.

Hijikata sat as far as he could from Sougo, all the way to the other side of the cave, his black Afro still smoking.

Hijikata hurled a boulder at Sougo. He dodged it, and the rock cracked into pieces, against the cave wall, dust raining down into his sandy hair. "Where the fuck did you get the bazooka?"

Okita lifted it up and stared at it lovingly. "It washed ashore just this morning. It was useless then, because it did have any explosives in it. Then, by a stroke of luck, one package floated up just around sunset."

Kagura snored. And picked her nose.

Okita aimed at her, finger cocked at the trigger in an instant. "Oi, my important informational fill-in speech in this fanfiction. Don't interrupt my narration, you brat-"

Hijikata knocked the bazooka out of his hand. "Oi. No more wasting those bullets." The bazooka clattered over the cave floor and smashed into the back of Gintoki's head. Hard.

Hijikata stared at him over his shoulder. Sougo blinked. Kagura sat up.

Gintoki slowly got up and he slowly turned around, red eyes gleaming and white hair stark in the shadows of the cave. He picked up the bazooka and slowly turned to look at the company. He tilted his head and grinned at the three of them, freezing their blood.

"Oi, oi, I'm low on blood sugar here. Shouldn't a man get his damned sleep when he's running low?" Gintoki tossed the bazooka away. It smashed into the cave wall, falling next to the smashed rock.

He stood still for a moment, and then suddenly started running towards Okita, Hijikata, and Kagura. And, on instinct, the three of them turned from him and began to run like hell.

"OI, SINCE I'M RUNNING LOW ON BLOOD SUGAR MAYBE I'LL JUST FORGET ABOUT THE DAMNED SUGAR AND DRINK YOUR GODDAMNED BLOOD INSTEAD, YOU BITCHES! ! !"

Kagura and Okita ran in the front, their smaller bodies easily overpowering Hijikata in speed and agility, their arms and legs moving so fast they were blurring. Kagura turned to Okita, speed pushing her hair and bangs back. "Oi, why are we running from him?! Surely we can beat him up?! !"

Okita didn't even bother to look at her, focusing on running on the grassy plain without tripping over twigs or rocks. "Like hell we can... Leave him to Hijikata!"

Hijikata increased his speed and grabbed Okita's collar. "LIKE HELL! ! He's gone down the insane road because of the lack of sugar in his diet... What the fuck is wrong with your boss, miss?!"

Kagura picked her nose as she calmly matched Okita and Hijikata's speed without using her arms. "Well, once when I was walking home early from shopping, I saw him watching something on the TV just before he closed it and when he turned around, his nose was bleeding."

Okita leaped over a rock. "No, I think it's normal for a man to watch p*rn when the children are gone-"

Hijikata leaped over the rock as well. "Surely sugar isn't addictive...?"

Kagura picked up the rock that Okita and Hijikata jumped over and tossed it at Gintoki. Gintoki leaped up in the air and sliced it to pieces with Hijikata's katana.

Chunks of it rained down.

Kagura turned and started to earnestly to run like hell, using her arms and going full-power, easily passing Hijikata and Okita by.

"No, no, you two don't understand, you idiots. You see... Gintoki-san was watching... A strawberry milk commercial."

* * *

Gintoki opened one eye and closed it again. Then he opened it again and watched as his vision fuzzed in and out. He raised his hand and waved it over his face until it cleared up and he could count the number of fingers he had.

He was only wearing his boxers.

He pressed his cold hand against his forehead. "Oi... Why do I feel like I've been out through a wringer?"

Kagura suddenly appeared on the left side of his vision. Sougo appeared on the other side, wearing only pants. She stared down at Gintoki, wearing Sougo's Shinsengumi shirt... Only it was stained pink. "You really don't know?"

Okita held up a gleaming katana, which was stained with something red. "Or rather, you don't remember?"

Something shifted from under Gintoki. He froze and sat up. He turned around and stared at what he thought had been a folded pair of pants.

"Oh... Hell no..."

* * *

Gintoki rubbed his head. "So... Let me see if I got this right."

Kagura tossed a few mangoes into the air and Sougo sliced the skin off of them in a split second. As they dropped down, Kagura stuffed them into her mouth and spat out the pits. She was back to wearing her red dress.

After each round, Kagura scooted closer and closer to Okita to catch them easier. Pretty soon, she was sitting next to him happily chewing on a bunch of oranges.

And Sougo was buried under a pile of peels.

Gintoki peeled a banana. Then, he pointed to a pile of fruit to his side. "I was going insane because of the lack of sugar intake... So then you guys chanced upon this..."

The blade of the katana gleamed red.

Red with the reflection of the strawberries.

Gintoki, with a straight face, popped one into his mouth. He nodded, his dead fish eyes passionless. "Ah, at least my sugar intake is fulfilled. Everything is perfect-"

Hijikata smashed a rock into his forehead. Gintoki didn't blink as he toppled. "LIKE HEEELL!"

He shoved Okita into the pile of peels which he had just climbed out of, picked Kagura up and tossed her down on Okita's lap, throwing both of them out of his way. He ran over to the tree behind them and pulled on the pair of pants that were hanging on the branch.

Then he was back, grabbing his katana and tried to slice off Gintoki's head. "Why the fuck was I half naked and acting as your pillow?!" Gintoki dodged the wild attacks. He picked his nose calmly. "You were probably also affected by loss of cigarettes and mayonnaise, you mayo-addict."

Hijikata swung his katana down. "I'm not that desperate, goddammit!"

Kagura sat next to him, dodging when Gintoki dodged and picked her nose with the same rhythm that Gintoki picked his nose. She even blinked at the same rate. "Toshi was probably saddened that he didn't have enough mayo in his poop, yes?"

"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH BEING NAKED?!"

Okita sat next to Kagura, dodging right after she dodged and picked his nose at the same rhythm that she picked hers. His eyes were half-open and drooping, imitating Gintoki's half-dead gaze. "Oh dear, what am I to say to Kondou-san that his vice-captain was prone to turn to *** when he didn't have any mayonnaise? Gosh, Toshi, I didn't know you were a r*pist."

"NOW YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GET MY POSITION! AND I DIDN'T R*PE ANYONEEE!"

The three of them slid their fingers out of their nose.

Gintoki held his finger up and said, "No, Okita is absolutely right. I feel violated-"

"All you did was sleep on my chest!"

Kagura held her finger up and said, "I don't think I'll be able to eat anymore without throwing up now-"

"I can believe that considering everything you've eaten so far! And that's not important!"

Okita held up his finger and said, "And I think-"

"Fuck what you think!"

* * *

Gintoki, Kagura, Okita, and Hijikata sat in a small circle, all of them wearing all their clothes except Gintoki who was only wearing his boxers. Kagura held up a flat stone, which had a sandy pattern on one side and a brownish pattern on the other side.

"Alright, sandy means Gintoki and Hijikata had *** together and dirt means they didn't, yes?" Okita grabbed the rock out of her hands and tossed it up into the sky. It came down and hit Gintoki square on the head.

Gintoki stared up and saw stars and the rock slid down his forehead.

It hit the sand. And the pattern matched the sand.

Okita held up a bible, prayed, and blessed their future together.

Kagura tossed pink flowers petals around, the rosy flowers swirling around. "Name the baby after me~!"

Hijikata fired the bazooka at Okita, sending him toasted and flying into the sand farther away; an incoming wave splashing over his body, and Gintoki tossed Kagura up a palm tree. He brushed leaves and petals off of his shoulders, and walked back to where Hijikata was brushing sand off of the bazooka.

They sat down together, Hijikata chewing on a thick blade of grass to try and pretend it was a cigarette. Gintoki held a hand out. "Yesterday night didn't happen, understand?" Hijikata nodded. He took the hand and shook it. They stared into the sea silently.

"So... What are we going to name the baby?"


	5. Chapter 5

Okita walked around the island, mapping it out silently in his head. Since it rather round-shaped, too perfectly cut to be natural, with cultivated plants and empty of many animals that would normally be present, he decided it was probably some rich guy's vacation island that had been created by Amanto, and that's why it wasn't on any map that he had studied. There were a lot of those invisible islands floating around.

The problem was that he couldn't find a house. Without one, this might just be a preserved island for the colorful birds that were flying around above and it would be a long time before they were found. A preservation caretaker was obliged by law to come around and check up the situation every few weeks.

Okita stared up at the sun. It was summer, so any rich guy would be off work and spending his money shipping exotic drinks and waitresses over to his private island. So where was he?

Okita wanted to get off the island as soon as possible. Any longer is just more time for the Shinsengumi to declare the two officers dead... Well, it would be fine if only Hijikata's position was usurped, but Okita had to stay in the place right behind the vice-captain or else he would have to go over the process of climbing the social ladder and actually _being nice_ and keeping from _blowing things up_.

Okita kicked a rock. Damn. The Shinsengumi was lost without its two main members. What was he going to do?

He picked up a sharp rock. Well, it was a good time for Hijikata to have an 'accident'.

* * *

Gintoki sat under the shade, tossing small pebbles into the water. "At least we don't have rent here... But damn, I missed this week's issue of _Jump_."

Kagura stuck her tongue out at him. "Says you. I was supposed to be stretching in the park in the morning every single day. I'm still stretching every morning but it isn't the same."

"Oh? That's what you've been doing every time I wake up? I thought you were trying to destroy the cave."

"I was acting like a boxer on drugs."

"You were punching a hole in the ceiling of the cave."

"That's what boxers on drugs do!"

Thunder crackled, and the sun was immediately swallowed up.

"Why does it rain so damn much here?! It's so humid my fluffed-up hair might as well be a poodle!"

* * *

The four members of the sorry stranded group sat all the way in the back of the cave. Rain poured down in buckets. Small sprays of droplets hit each of their faces from the force in which the rain pummeled the rock. The hole in the ceiling sent down a torrent of water, and they hadn't the time to find a different cave.

Thunder crackled and lightning hit a tree not too far away. Gintoki and Hijikata winced.

Kagura picked her nose calmly and Okita built straw dolls. On the doll's heads, he repeatedly wrote 'Toshi' and then burned them one by one.

Wind whistled and howled, and wet leaves flung themselves into the cave. Gintoki and Hijikata peeled them off their faces.

Kagura shoved them all off her face and made a small leaf pile where she jumped into, tossing even more wet leaves into the other three's faces. Okita built tiny leaf dolls when he ran out of straw, wrote 'Mayo-freak' on them with a chalky rock he found on the side of the cave, and crushed them one by one.

A tree fell nearby, and a bunch of sticks and branches clattered through the cave entrance.

Gintoki sat in the back, dejectedly striking a stick on another stick, creating small flames that did nothing but burn the tips of his curly hair.

Kagura snapped the branches as if they were toothpicks, one by one making them smaller and smaller.

Okita took the smaller pieces, made them into small dolls, wrote 'Hijikata' on them- And Hijikata took them and erased the 'Hijikata,' only to replace it with 'Okita,' and then he chucked them out the entrance, but each and every on of the dolls did nothing but fall to pieces in the rain.

Hijikata threw nearly all of them out, until Okita managed to salvage just one with 'Toshi' written on it, and then he tossed it out the cave entrance...

And lightning struck the tiny doll, tearing it apart and frying it to crisp.

Okita watched as tiny pieces of ash floated down as the rain thundered outside. He turned to Hijikata. "That's a nice future you got there, Hijikata-san."

* * *

Kagura pinched Gintoki's nose.

And when he opened his mouth to breathe, she pinched his mouth closed with her other hand.

"Mmmmhhuuurrrghhh?!"

Gintoki grabbed Kagura's face and covered both her nose and her mouth with one hand, pushing her head backwards. Kagura pinched his mouth tighter and covered his nose entirely with a closed fist.

Gintoki's eyes narrowed and he leaped up, ready to toss her into the sea that was sparkling outside... Only to slip on wet debris from yesterday's storm and go flying into the sea himself.

Kagura sat up from where she was dropped in the sand and shaded her eyes with a hand. "Look at him go!"

Hijikata nodded. Gintoki hit the water with a giant impact probably felt like a truck ran him through. Ripples started from where he met with the sea and smoothed over the sand.

Kagura danced around. "Wooo~! Belly-flop."

Okita looked up from a bunch of wood he was working with. "Oi. I think he died, China."

Kagura shook her head. "My boss is a lot more sturdy than that. He's fine."

Okita grabbed her face and squeezed her cheeks together, lifting her off the floor and pointing at where Gintoki had sunk under the water. "No, I think he's really going down."

Hijikata stood up. There was no sign of Gintoki anymore. "He's been down there too long!" He couldn't even see any air bubbles. "Way too long!"

Hijikata raced towards the shore, tossing off his shirt and then diving into the water.

Kagura began to earnestly search for signs of Gintoki, wading waist-deep into the water, but had to stop there because she wasn't the best at swimming and had no idea where Gintoki was. "Gin-chan knows how to swim! He does, I'm sure of it! Gintoki, stop playing around, damn it!"

Okita put a hand up and shaded his eyes. "I see them."

Hijikata was slowly stumbling towards them, holding Gintoki slung over his shoulders. Kagura ran over to them and slid Gintoki off Hijikata's back, carrying her boss princess style without a problem. She ran over to the shade and set him down.

She pushed on his chest. Okita sat down quickly next to her. "You've got really bad luck, you know. Would you mind transferring that luck to a certain vice-captain-"

Hijikata smashed a rock into Okita's head and sat down on Okita's former seat in the sand.

Then he grabbed Gintoki's face and squished his cheeks. "Oi! I thought you knew how to swim?!"

Gintoki shoved his hands away and got up, coughing. His hair started to dry and poof up. "I did... But all of the sudden, I just felt so heavy..."

Hijikata rubbed his forehead. "It's the lack of usual sugar, Gin-chan. You're tired out from withdrawal."

Kagura set Gintoki's head on her lap and poked his face all over. "Your eyes are more droopier than usual. Seriously, it's almost just closed. Where does it feel heavy?" She poked him in the cheek and then on the nose, and when he shifted away, she accidentally poked him again in the eye.

"GAAAAH! ! ! %$ #*&^! !$%!"

* * *

Gintoki held a wet hand over his stinging eye. "Why does it feel like I'm getting hurt an awful lot on this island?"

"You always get hurt an awful lot, but usually it's in the balls." Kagura said.

Okita nodded. "But the women back in the mainland have practically destroyed them already, so I guess we should leave them be if you want to sire children. Take this as a break for your crotch to recuperate."

"My balls are not destroyed! ! !"

Hijikata nodded as well. "Yes, but in exchange for the safety of your genitals, your other body parts are put upfront."_  
_

"Don't talk as if my body parts are expendable soldiers! I love my eyeballs just as much as my lower balls!"

Kagura leaned back on a pile of hay. "Your dick-balls are really important, Gin-chan. Don't let them sag anymore or they'll drop right out of your pants."

"THEY DON'T SAG THAT MUCH, GODDAMMIT! ! !"

Okita stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Yeah. Gintoki-san, it is very important that you take good care of them from now on, in case you and Hijikata want to get down and dirty any time soon-"

Hijikata slammed his palm over Okita's mouth and didn't flinch when Okita bit the middle finger. Then, he dragged him into the forest where scuffling was heard for a moment.

Hijikata came back out again with a torn shirt. He sat down and waited in the long silence. He cleared his throat.

"Excuse me. So... What were we talking about again?"


End file.
